How a Muslim mother of a child with disabilities struggles through grief.
I’m a mother. I’m blessed with six precious children. I’m an average Muslim striving to do my best to earn Allah’s Pleasure. Allah has prepared me for unimaginable hardship as He guided me through grief. The day I met my fifth child I saw a miracle. It was the day when my life changed. That day I received a gift from Allah, the Giver of Gifts, as He gave me a chance to get closer to Him and to earn His blessing, mercy and guidance.
At 4 am, 9 years ago, my baby was born with a severe brain injury. She was born without any heart-beat. The medical team did CPR on her. They informed my husband soon after she was born. A few minutes after, a nurse came again and told him that our baby lost her heart beats. “What do you mean?” my confused husband asked the nurse. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant back her heart-beat after the second CPR. Both of us were taken to the ICU. When I woke up, my husband who was by my side uttered the news that no mother would hope to hear. Allahu Akbar! I was shocked and shaking. I felt nothing. “Please tell me that this is not real.”
The hardest thing I have faced is to digest the fact that she has multiple disabilities. She cannot use her own mouth for eating and let alone for smiling. She cannot see me her own mother who bore her before she was born and cared her until this day. She cannot call me “mama” like the rest of my children call me. She cannot hear me saying “I love you” like me alwayssay to her and her siblings. She will always depend on me to provide constant love, care and support for the rest of her life as she could never take care of herself. Imagine having a baby where you have to do everything for her. Now, imagine taking care of that baby for 9 years and many more to come. La hawla wa la quwwata illaa billah. There is no might or power except with Allah. I admit it that I’m powerless and only Allah can strengthen my heart to get me through all of this.
When I saw a little girl like her, playing and running at the park, it made me sad to think that my daughter could never come to me running or hug me, let alone kiss me. I hate it when I can’t help myself from comparing her with other children at her age. What would you feel when you realize that your daughter would be bound in the wheelchair for the rest of her life? My heart hurts when I think about my fear of what my daughter can’t do but others can.
Alhamdulillah, it was a blessing from Allah that I learnt to swallow my anger and fear by allowing myself to be patient with her condition and understand that it was such a great loss only if I don’t pass the test that Allah put me through. I learnt to overlook the worldly dreams I had of my daughter. I dream of her with images of Jannah. I look forward for theday when we are reunited and she will run towards me, hug me and kiss me at thegates of Jannah. I hope I will pass the test. I hope it opens up the way for my entrance to Jannah.